'All of Reality is Interaction' says Quantum Physicist Carlo Rouelli

Lately I've been re-contemplating myself and my place in the universe. How do I define myself? Where do I fit in the bigger picture? How can I positively impact the world? How can I understand my actions and reactions? And most importantly am I on my right path? Just a couple of biggies in there!

Now I'm no scientist but I'm going to take the risk of getting a bit "sciencey" here to help me understand myself and others better.

After listening to an On Being podcast of an interview by Krista Tippet with Quantum Physicist Carlo Rouelli I started to get a sense of myself as a quantum being.

Quantum physics is the science of looking at how matter and energy interact with each other to frame our reality. In my non scientific understanding it's not so much about what the individual elements are but rather how they interact with each other. It's not so much about the tangible 'things' involved but more about the less tangible and more complex net of interactions that we as humans have with each other and the universe around us.

Do we define ourselves by what happens to us or by how we interact with what happens? I've understood for a long time now that navigating healthily and functionally through our life situations is about our perspective and how this affects, dictates or directs our actions and reactions.

If you put 12 people together in one room and provided exactly the same set of circumstances, particularly if the circumstances are quite complex (as life can be) I guarantee there will be multiple different responses, probably even 12 different perspectives on what happened.

This explains the many contradictions in relationships and the stories based around those relationships. We all see and interpret things through our own filters, our own complex set of life 'rules', expectations and experiences. If we are not as aware of this as we could be then it can be confusing, confronting, feel unjust and even feel like betrayal when others don't agree with us or see our point of view. Particularly if their point of view causes us some kind of perceived harm; like not getting our needs met, feeling invalidated or misunderstood, or triggering one or more of our red buttons - fear of abandonment for example, fear of not being loved or not feeling safe to name three of the bigger ones.

If we want to make more sense of what is actually happening to or around us, then it is important that we understand the often complex interactions that bring us to that particular point in time. Then we need to try to understand the complex interactions that have brought the others around us to the same particular point in time, which has now crossed with ours.

Let me give an example. It's a bit long winded but hang in there because this explains how what should have been an easy set of interactions got complicated and replaced by accusations of conspiracy, betrayal and denial.

Last year I had an upsetting situation with a couple of people whom I considered friends. One I saw regularly, we traded and bartered things we needed for our small farms, gave each other a practical helping hand when we could and generally tried to make life a bit easier for each other in the good old fashioned neighbourly way. We'll call him Steve. The other I didn't see as regularly but there had been occasions where we had helped each other out with the loaning and borrowing of equipment, I taught a couple of his kids, gave them a job or two here and there. I hired his farm services from time to time and tried to pay on time, not expecting yet sometimes receiving 'mates rates' and generally look after him and his business with respect and honour, feeling like that was reciprocal. We'll call him Robert.

I knew that Steve and Robert also had a similar relationship but that there was also a hint of competition between them as they both provided some similar services to our local community.

It was harvest time and I had regularly hired Robert's services as I did again last year. Steve did his own harvesting and also provided that service to others the same as Robert. Even though Steve and I had a closer relationship I continued to give Robert my work. Last year however Steve had a job opportunity away that meant he couldn't harvest his own crop and as a nice neighbourly gesture offered the end product to me if I would arrange and oversee the harvest. This I happily organised with Robert who was very helpful and seemed happy that I would receive this extra harvest which would greatly help me out for the next couple of years. I was happy because it met Steve's desire not to waste the crop, gave Robert some extra work which I would pay for and I got the extra harvest for a fee and some time to organise it. All seemed dandy.

Steve went to his other job, Robert did the harvesting. After the harvest another member of Steve's family got involved as she was now looking after the farm while he was away and was unaware fully of the agreement we all had with each other. I understood that and instead of making a fuss I was happy for her to act on her assumptions knowing that we could sort it out when Steve got back, not wanting to add any more work to her already busy time.

So I contacted Robert to say she would pay for Steve's harvest and I would pay for mine separately. Robert's immediate reaction was cold and he seemed angry. I reassured him that I was still going to benefit from the deal as I would sort it when Steve returned. I thought Robert was worried for me that I had done the work and wasn't getting the deal I had expected. I wasn't concerned about that but wanted to make sure Robert got paid for the work and again I was confident that I would sort it with Steve later. Where he was working made communication difficult so I decided to wait till he got back.

Several months went by, I paid Robert and assumed Steve's part had been paid too.

In the meantime Steve wasn't sure why he was now getting the bill and was going to sort it with me when he got home. He hadn't even talked to his partner about her actions as neither of them realised there was a discrepancy.

Robert then called me very angry to tell me he would no longer provide any services as I had tricked him into harvesting for Steve when he had already told Steve he wouldn't do it (which Steve thought was because he was too busy but had then made time for me as a nice neighbourly gesture).

I got quite upset because apparently I had hurt my friend Robert without knowing it and when I tried to find out more and sort out what had gone wrong I was met with judgement, conspiracy accusations and the withdrawal of his services and his friendship. I couldn't understand it.

In my head I thought I had been doing the right thing by all parties. I'd helped Steve, I didn't rock the boat with Steve's partner over the invoice, I had arranged for Robert to get paid and we'd saved the harvest.

When Robert wouldn't listen to any of the explanation, I became angry myself and disappointed that my friend was hurt and I had no chance of making amends-he'd cut me off. I wrote him a letter saying that I was disappointed that I'd got stuck in the middle of several misunderstandings between Steve and his partner, myself and Steve's partner and Robert and Steve and I would like to talk about it and clear the air. He never replied.

Robert was angry because he had told Steve he wouldn't do his harvest because Steve had been taking over some of Robert's customers with his similar services. Steve thought he'd been helping Robert out when he was so busy and couldn't get to the customers, and helping the customers by not letting their harvest waste. Steve thought he was helping me and I thought I was helping Robert by giving him extra work.

Trouble was, everyone thought different things for different reasons because we all got to the crossing of time and paths by very different routes and we were all interpreting the situation through our own filters. Chaos reigned, friendships were lost and I am still reeling from the disappointment of it. Robert felt betrayed, I felt betrayed and Steve was left shaking his head as when he returned the original deal was clarified with his partner and I ended up paying Robert anyway.

Phew! What's should have been an easy set of circumstances got twisted and misinterpreted and now it seems Robert is avoiding both Steve and I and friendships are strained.

What a shame. In my letter I hoped to open the door to further discussion to clear the air - but there has still been no response from Robert and he doesn't return my waves when we pass in the neighbourhood. Steve and I have sorted through it and have decided we have to let it go and move on. Steve and Robert haven't communicated since.

I wonder how Robert is feeling about it a year later?

As I look at the complex set of circumstances, assumptions and expectations each of us bring to any situation, I wonder that human kind can communicate at all.

It would have been better if the three of us could have sat down over a cuppa and talked it out. Hopefully we would have been able to see each other's perspectives and see how the misunderstanding occurred. Hopefully we'd still all be friends.

But this has not yet been possible. When I see Robert nearby I hope he'll knock on my door and talk it through, or at least start over. Can he see there was no conspiracy or is his vision clouded by other situations that have hurt him in the past?

'Quantumally' speaking, the interactions between matter (our physical) and energy (our emotions) are quite complicated but if we open our own eyes and hearts to try to see what is really at play in any situation we would have a better chance of more meaningful relationship interactions. Understanding what frames our own reality can help us express ourselves better and understand others better. The only way to really do this is to be open to a different perspective. To be open to the journey of others and how their perspective is shaping their reality and how the interaction of all our realities is shaping a reality of its own.

Phew! Life can be complicated, tiring and confusing. Becoming more aware of the intricate interactions and connections takes time but if we approach it mindfully the results of better relationships is well worth the effort.

Be happy.
Merelyn Carter

Merelyn’s writing is supported in part by the sale of her books. Autobiography - ‘The Deepest Part of Me’.  ‘Inspire’ – inspirational reflections for your life’s journey.  ‘Stories behind the Songs’ and her first children’s picture book ‘To The Moon and Back - Grandma’s Rocket Ship Adventure’. To find out more about her work and to support her through the purchase of her writings and music, please go to www.carterandcarter.com.au